Sith Faced
// June 15th, 2005 // No Comments » // Uncategorized
A while back Tom wrote “Ugh. That is seriously painful. George Lucas should be shot, damn him. I’ll still be throwing a crisp 10 euro note into his vast swimming pool of money, however, when I sit down for the final Star Wars installment in Rotterdam. He only hurts me because he loves me, I swear.”
But we went to the cinema. Tom warned me it would hurt, but I didn’t believe him. This would be it, this would be the film, the one were Lucas rejects his greedy kiddy pandering way and unleashes the definitive Jedi film; a psychological journey through the awakening and corruption of Anakin. And of course Yoda skooling, sabre fighting and the “Passions” style demise of JarJar Binks that would resolve so much that has burdened every mid 20′s male since the release of the new Star Wars episodes.
I know I should have learned. The defeat and injustice heaped upon us in Episodes 1 and 2 should have been warning enough. But no… Of course it connected the necessary dots and didn’t have us rioting in the streets demanding Georges head or anything but it was pretty close. His choice to replace writers with lower order primates fed only sedatives seems to have left us with pretty one dimensional dialogue. My own immediate five word review “Ending the Saga of Injustice” summates the emptiness felt.
After the film I walked away unsure about why I feeling worse than I did after the two previous, and far more painfully defeating, episodes. I think it is because this was the last chance, this was the final salute to Star Wars and George had has sick way with us all. The disgust and frustration haunted me for a few hours until I made a critical realisation.
In twenty years I will wake on the scheduled day, press the small red button on my Virtual Reality device and be transformed into the ultimate first person Star Wars game. In this game I will not only journey upon a customised Jedi adventure thing but the experience will culminate in a showdown between me and George. In virtual reality I will be able to strike down George Lucas- perhaps mentioning that “Now I am the Master” if I feel in such a mood. I think I will even be able to throw him Darth style into one of those sandmonster things that will then digest his virtual body over several years.
Coming to this realisation put me at a great deal of peace. No matter how bad the new Star Wars were, no matter how adapted it was for merchandising, no matter how much money was saved through the replacement of scriptwriters with semiconscious primates- if we still care in twenty years we will have the choice whether to bow to the darkside and get sweet, sweet revenge.
